cannibalistic vernacular (costanza pt. 3)

On the last day of May, in the year 2004 I met her. The one girl that so terrifies, thrills and enraptures you that you have only one choice - you must conquer, or die trying. Janie. Damn. To this day I still remember the intimidation that she loved to flex on us males. She said that she was off limits. Not interested. Unattainable. Bad move on her part. I didn't know if I could win her or not. I did know it was gonna hurt - whatever the outcome. And I dove in - no safety net, no parachute, no way out.

It was in a parking lot, the first time I saw her. Evan, Craig and I arrived in Jacksonville, Florida on a typically muggy, bright and rainy day. It rains every day there; sunny or cloudy, it rains, though often for only ten or twenty minutes at a time. We made our way to the University of North Florida, and a moment after getting out of the car, stretching and surveying the surrounding dorms we were greeted by a couple of girls and a couple of guys with plastic lei's around their necks. They introduced themselves, gave us a lei and directed us to the check-in point in the courtyard of the nearest dorm. It was a typical meet and greet - certainly no indication of the events to come. Actually, I remember being more aware of the other girl - she was blond. I always had a thing for blond hair. I gravitated to it first, and then looked at the faces from there...

A day or two later, I was next to her in a line for something or other, and I said "hi, it was Janie right?" She eyed me suspiciously and said yes. I should have known from that moment... "I should have seen it coming. I didn't see it coming." Her group and my group ended up being partner groups, and most of the guys on my team were from Nebraska - friends of hers. We had a lot of natural ties, and she took advantage of that. Not more than a couple of days had passed before she approached me and one of my teammates and joined in our little chat. The conversation segued into guy/girl relationship waters, and she made it known that she was not dating in college. Period. I guffawed, and said something like "are you crazy?" I had no game. I repeat - no game. Whatsoever. But I did have a particular set of skills to steal a Liam Neeson line. My skills were these - youthful, naiive, passionate and emotional surrender to the idea of - stars aligning, boy meets girl, love at first sight crap.

And the second she said I couldn't have her, I (mostly unknowingly) engaged her in a single combat to the death. I was unaware of my natural desire to possess that which seemed impossible. When I ran into her at the campus food court while applying at Sbarro's, I knew it was no accident that we two just happened to be there at the same time. When I found out that our teams were partner teams, I knew a power much greater than my own was orchestrating this particular orchestra. When I started running with the running crew because she was one of the runners, well, honestly, I knew that one was all me. The morning we paired up for the only coed-evangelism saturday on the beach I knew in my bones she would be mine. Then it rained, it freaking poured. And as we ran for the shelter she shed her sandals and danced and sang - it was at that moment I began contemplating which actress would play her in the biopic about our love story - the definitive love story of the history of the world. And it was also the moment that I lost all control over my heart. I gave it to her - because she danced like a little girl in the rain.

St. Louis. Oddly enough it has been an interesting player in my diaries of defeat. One year ago, I journeyed there with a cute tramp of hearts in tow and believed that it very well could be a trip of redemption (it wasn't - just more crap - but currently I am awaiting the return of a letter; St. Louis may turn out to be friend rather than foe after all - or at the very least, one more for Costanza). A trip on the very same highway that would remove the stench and memory of four of the greatest hours of my life.

I was in love with Janie. And, I was driving her car - just the two of us. Four hours straight on I70 traveling west. The last four hours of the greatest summer of my life - Jacksonville 04 STP. No matter what my feelings and thoughts are today, at that moment I was as happy and blissful as I've ever been. I didn't even drink over half of my java chip from starbucks.. And I sucked those babies down. We spoke of comical things, and laughed. We shared stories of heartbreak, and empathized. We listened to Piano Man and Shimmer and we sang. We were nearly trampled by an 18 wheeler but I swerved and avoided the brute. We shook it off and fell back into the moment. At the drop off point - I said goodbye to my friends and waited for my father to gather me up in the current T-Payne Toyota. But first, we needed to share hugs. She waited to be last. She rushed into my arms; hugged me with a ferocity that made me quiver, and turned to leave while wiping her eyes. Tears, I assumed.

The rub is that she only let me get closer because she thought it was settled. We were friends; she had made it clear. Case closed. You see, college-aged single girls have this curious idea. I've come across it over and over again. They think it perfectly natural to have single guy friends. (And if a guy isn't attracted to a girl, then yeah, it's possible. Maybe. But guys don't want to be friends with girls. We want to be friends with one girl. Some guys may seem to want to have a lot of female friends, but just wait until they get a girlfriend. If they have any sense at all, and want their relationship to work, they will suddenly cease spending any meaningful time with their female friends.) So obviously, it's a stupid idea.

And so, she thought that she was safe with me. And the more she let me in, the more she opened up and revealed herself - the more I believed that I was getting myself a girl. I looked for the assurance of "fate" in the smallest of coincidences and believed she and I were written among the stars.

After ten months of becoming closer friends and me falling deeper and deeper in love with her - I simply had to tell her or combust. She said things that made me crazy. She told me I should transfer to Nebraska, (where she went to school) and I didn't think she would suggest I pack up, leave my family, friends and head out of state just to be pals. So on April Fool's 2005 (April just sucks man.) I journeyed north to the land of corn. It went exactly like this...

it is the day of fools

fitting i find myself in the crescent moon

jj sitting across from me - gravestone looking down

inaudible, the words come

resolution on her exquisitely drawn face

no pursing of the lips this time

am i falling, or is my chair still there

she coolly tosses dark, brunette tresses

fiercely, eyes convey needed conviction - a touch of sorrow

zach, it could never happen

i would eat you alive

It was months before I regained a measure of confidence and self-esteem. She made me feel like a child, utterly beneath her. And then she broke her word. She had pledged to herself, and to God, not to date until she graduated from college. When she walked across the stage to collect her diploma - she walked across with an engagement ring on her finger.

And yes, she still wanted to be friends.